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A-cock-a-day-keeps-reality-away 

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(Source: supaspicy, via a-cut-a-day-keeps-reality-away)

August Lynn

I’m so, so sorry for growing up. I really am. For becoming this being. I used to be more naive, SO naive. I trusted more easily and spilled the truth more easily. I was earnest and eager for attention because I rarely got it. Back then, back when we met, I was like an open book to you. I relied on you and clung to you, and looked to you for permission on everything. Without you around I felt entirely lost, like I couldn’t think for myself any more. I lived to see you every day so I would know what to do. I didn’t need to make my own decisions. I didn’t need to be my own person, because I didn’t know how to do those things. All I wanted was to be around you. I always knew what to do when I was with you. I never really knew what to say, but that was all right, because you knew whatever I said was in good faith. I couldn’t deceive you, after all, being the open book that I was. You showed up when I had nothing, and helped build me back up. You were my light when everything else was dark. You saved me time and time again. And maybe back then, I was such a good friend because I had nothing, and maybe I was able to help you because of my naivety. Gradually, nothing turned into something. You brought up my self-esteem. Soon I was an actual person, not just a shell. I can never thank you enough for that. Really, I haven’t thanked you NEARLY enough, and there’s nothing I can ever do to repay you. 
But it wasn’t all good. Maybe I got too full of myself. Maybe along with that new person came some qualities that were TOO human. Maybe I became just a little bit more like everyone else. I changed. I changed a lot. What I mistook as becoming more “independent” was me attempting to break away from the people who cared about me. When I tried out standing on my own again, I fell. So I came back to you, my “crutch”. I think when I started seeing you like that, that’s when things went wrong. My thoughts started to conflict with each other again and I stopped telling people everything, because I thought maybe that could make me stronger or something. I started pulling away from you, and from the guys, because I legitimately thought you would all be better off without someone like me slowing you down. Without someone who would lean on you for her own good. I knew it was fucked up, and in a way, I even knew it wouldn’t help anything, I think; but once I’d started it kept happening. You kept trying, and I kept pushing. I even tried at one point, with all I had, but I ended up just stopping. I just stopped everything. Opening up. Talking much at all. I don’t even talk to the people who were so close to me back then. I miss them. I miss YOU. But I’ve become too used to my ways. I’m stuck here, in my own shell. I’m separate from you now, from everyone. Everyone’s being held at bay. I’ve become this jaded, cynical, sarcastic person, and I hide behind all that. Now I can’t find my way out. I just can’t. And i know it hurts you, and I know that so much is unexplained, and that after three years I should be able to do anything for you. But the truth is, I just can’t. It hurts me too, trust me, it hurts me like hell. Every day I’m buried under these layers, these facades, and I’ve retreated so far into my fucked up little mind that i don’t know if I’ll ever escape. I can’t go back. I can’t go back and fix those two years I’ve fucked up, I can’t make up for it, I can’t be the person i was. The shell I was. Even though you love that person. Even though I wish so badly that I could truly be that person again. 

I love you so much. I care about you, SO much. But it doesn’t show past all these layers. I don’t have any pretty words left, I’m all out of ways to express things. As if I even could any more. All I can do is tell you I still care, and throw in a little “I love you” here and there. But you don’t believe me… It hurts like a motherfucker when you don’t believe me. But that’s okay, because you have reason not to. My feeble attempts aren’t enough, I know that. But they’re all I’ve got. 
I love you, as my best friend, who’s been there for me, and tried for me, for years. You kept all your promises well. I broke mine. I’ve been a terrible friend, we both know it. So thank you, for still sticking around, for still trying, for still WANTING to try. After all this shit, after everything that’s been said. For still wanting someone like me around. I’m only sorry I can’t live up to it. I can’t be the best friend I used to be. And I am so sorry…

Being addicted to cutting. To hurting yourself.

“It doesn’t make you fucked up, it makes you human. It’s a want, a need, it’s an addiction and it doesn’t make anyone fucked up for wanting it. It makes them human, what makes them strong is being able to fight the need, no matter how hard it is. You’re fighting it right now, that makes you strong, not fucked up. There’s nothing you can do to make the need go away. It just is and always will be. I can’t tell you how to ignore it and how to make it better, you just have to do it, on your own. You’ll feel so much better about yourself if you just push through tonight, ignore it, and move on. You’re strong, I know you are. You got this babe.”

-My best friend, Cearra. 

Everyone who’s struggling with self-harm should see this. She helped me with these words because they were what I needed to hear to get me through. Someone somewhere might need to hear this tonight, so reblog, or post something similar with your own words. If you’ve been there, you understand how hard it is. So help the rest of us. We’re not alone. We’ve got each other, so lets give each other all the support we can give.

You are strong. You’re strong and you can fight this. If you need someone who understands, I can talk to you. I can listen and GET it. If I’m not available, just look around tumblr. Find a support blog, or someone looking for help. So many struggle with this addiction, so talk to each other. Help one another. We can overcome this.